he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
