Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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