every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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