i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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