This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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