we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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