I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
