Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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