Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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