Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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