my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
