I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
