I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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