She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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