I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
