just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
