Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
