i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
