Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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