I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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