I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
