I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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