Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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