And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
