Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
