I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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