Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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