life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
