I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
