I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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