where am i from again
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
