I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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