You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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