Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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