grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
