dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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