Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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