please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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