so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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