I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
