Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
