Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
