On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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