god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
