You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
