I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
