are you so shy because you have an std?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
