i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
