I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
A bitchslap is in order.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
