I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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