i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
