you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
