Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
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I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.