i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
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Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
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If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry