You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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