I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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