Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
