Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
